With the divorce rate over 50 percent,
too many are apparently making a
serious mistake in deciding who to
spend the rest of their life with. To
avoid becoming a "statistic," try to
internalize these 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because
you expect him/her to change after
you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry
potential. The golden rule is, if you
can't be happy with the person the way
he or she is now, don't get married.
As a colleague of mine so wisely put
it, "You actually can expect people to
change after their married... for the
worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's
spirituality, character, personal
hygiene, communication skills, and
personal habits, make sure you can
live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because
you focus more on chemistry than on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good
character keeps it burning. Beware of
the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in
love" often means, "I'm in lust."
Attraction is there, but have you
carefully checked out this person's
character?
Here are four character traits to
definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe
that "doing the right thing" is more
important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like
him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy
giving pleasure to other people? How
does s/he treat people s/he doesn't
have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this
person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like
himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more
like this person? Do I want to have a
child with this person? Would I like
my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because
the man doesn't understand what a
woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional
needs, and more often than not, it is
the man who just doesn't "get it."
Jewish tradition places the onus on
the man to understand the emotional
needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be
loved -- to feel that she is the most
important person in her husband's
life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality atteention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's
approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah
obligates the husband to meet the
sexual needs of his wife. Sexual
intimacy is always on the woman's
terms. Men are goal-oriented,
especially when it comes this area. As
a wise woman once pointed out, "Men
have two speeds: on and off." Women
are experience-oriented. When a man is
able to switch gears and become more
experience-oriented, he will discover
what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs
and focuses on giving his wife
pleasure, amazing things happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because
you do not share a common life goals
and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect
with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level
of connection that sharing life goals
provide. After marriage, the two of
you will either grow together or grow
apart. To avoid growing apart, you
must figure out what you're "living
for," while you're single -- and then
find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul
mate." A soul mate is a goal mate --
two people who ultimately share the
same understanding of life's purpose
and therefore share the same
priorities, values annd goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because
you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the
commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a
fully honest exploration of important
issues. Sexual involvement tends to
cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind
is not inclined to make good
decisions.
Of all the studies done on divorce,
sexual incompatibility is never cited
as a main factor.
It is not necessary to take a test
drive in order to find out if a couple
is sexually compatible. If you do your
homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally
compatible, you don't have to worry
about sexual compatibility. Of all the
studies done on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a
main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because
you do not have a deeper emotional
connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper
emotional connection or not, ask: "Do
I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by
this person?" We are impressed by a
Mercedes. We do not respect someone
because they own a Mercedes. You
should be impressed by qualities of
creativity, loyalty, determination,
etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?"
This also means, "Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can
rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because
you choose someone with whom you don't
feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed
with this person? Can I fully be
myself and express myself with this
person? Does this person make me feel
good about myself? Do you have a
really close friend who does make you
feel this way? Make sure the person
you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any
way? You should not feel you need to
monitor what you say because you are
afraid of how the other person will
view it. If you're afraid to express
your feelings and opinions openly,
there's a problem with the
relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is
always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that
you don't feel the other person is
trying to control you. Controlling
behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person. Be on the look out for someone
who is always trying to change you.
There's a big difference
between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for
your benefit; a control statement is
made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because
you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the
relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the
uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you
communicate, negotiate, and work
together. Over the course of a
lifetime, difficulties will inevitably
arise. You need to know now, before
making a commitment: Can you resolve
your differences and find compromises
that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know
what bothers you. This is also a way
for you to test how vulnerable you can
be with this person. If you can't be
vulnerable, then you can't be
intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because
you use the relationship to escape
from personal problems and
unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll
probably be unhappy and married,
too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll
probably be unhappy and married, too.
Marriage does not fix personal,
psychological and emotional problems.
If anything, marriage will exacerbate
them.
If you are not happy with yourself and
your life, take responsibility to fix
it now while you are single. You'll
feel better, and your future spouse
will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because
he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is
emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop
another relationship. A person who
hasn't separated from his or her
parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be
triangulated with things as well, such
as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies,
sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner
are free of triangles. The person
caught in the triangle cannot be fully
emotionally available to you. You will
not be their number one priority. And
that's no basis for a marriage.
Source: Unknown
